Fast and Furious (It’s number 4, but they didn’t use a number. Rebels.) Part 3

- Everyone circles their wagons and Paul Walker yells at the FBI for screwing it up. Everyone goes to look for BadGuy again.

- Dom and Paul Walker decide they’re going to hunt down BadGuy.

- Dom tells Paul Walker that when they catch BadGuy and Scorpio, he’s not going to keep them alive.

- Paul Walker is all “I won’t stop you, bro.”

- Dom calls TallGirl and asks her where she thinks BadGuy is.

- TallGirl is all “You saved my life, here’s where he is.”

- Dom and Paul Walker drive to the US/Mexico border and stop to get out of their car.

- Paul Walker is all “This is where my jurisdiction stops”

- Dom is all “This is where mine begins.” (INTENSE)

- And they drive off.

- Turns out BadGuy is doing his usual cash drop off at his go-to church. The priest clearly isn’t his biggest fan, but takes the money and leaves BadGuy to pray at the altar alone while BadGuy’s bodyguards wait outside.

- Then BadGuy opens his eyes and there’s Dom with a shotgun at BadGuy’s head.

- Some words are said and Dom decides to give the gun and BadGuy to Paul Walker and they leave out the back.

- BadGuy’s bodyguards are realizing he’s praying more than usual and go to check on him.

- Duh, he’s gone.

- They call Scorpio (who is at a cockfight) and they all chase after Paul Walker and Dom.

- There’s a big car chase.

- BadGuy is riding in Paul Walker’s car and everyone is shooting at the car.

- Scorpio is all “Dudes, don’t shoot at the car the boss is riding in!”

- So they’re racing to cross the border and they all find themselves along the same path they took when transporting the drugs.

- Paul Walker is driving towards the mountain without stopping and BadGuy is all “You think you remember where the entrance to the drug tunnel is? ‘Cause I’m not telling.”

- Paul Walker is all “I’d hold on if I were you.” and drives through the drug tunnel door.

- They’re now speeding through this drug tunnel that has enough space for two cars to drive side-by-side with some wood poles in the middle.

- If you’re going to watch any part of this movie, you should watch this part. It’s awesome.

- At one point Dom realizes his car is going to crash in a wall ahead of him, so he jumps from his car to another car and throws the driver of that car out of the car. It’s insane.

- BadGuy insults Paul Walker’s driving and Paul Walker punches him in the face.

- So Paul Walker drives out of the tunnel, but crashes.

- Scorpio is close behind.

- Scorpio pulls BadGuy out of Paul Walker’s car

- Paul Walker manages to drag himself out of his car.

- Scorpio goes to shoot Paul Walker.

- Dom’s car flies out of the drug tunnel and smashes into Scorpio pinning him to Paul Walker’s car.

- Scorpio is dead, yo.

- Paul Walker tells Dom to run again.

- Dom is all “I’m tired of running.”

- So Dom gets arrested and we see his trial.

- Dom is sentenced to a hellah long time in prison.

- Paul Walker is OUTRAGED.

- We’re seeing Dom being transported on a prison bus.

- All of a sudden Dom hears cars.

- They sound like fast cars.

- They sound like furious cars.

- Awwwwwww hell. It’s Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster and THEY’RE FAST AND FURIOUS!

- Dom smiles
.
- THE END.

Fast and Furious (It’s number 4, but they didn’t use a number. Rebels.) Part 2

- GAME TIME.

- The racing/transport team all show up at the warehouse and the cars are swept for GPS trackers. Fortunately Paul Walker is able to unscrew his tracker and drop it in a can of DrPepper (I think) to disengage it.

- The cars get loaded into a truck and some of the drivers chat while Dom sleeps.

- The FBI is pissed because now they can’t track Paul Walker.

- The truck takes the cars over the US/Mexico border and then the cars get loaded up with cocaine.

- TallGirl tells them they’ll have to follow Scorpio and drive in a single file because there’s only a short window of time where they can evade the border patrol.

- They get in their cars and drive.

- They’re going fast and Dom breaks file and starts trying to get closer to Scorpio.

- TallGirl does some voiceover directions of how much time they have

- Scorpio opens a garage door in a mountain (seriously) and Dom gets back in line with just enough time for everyone to make it in before border patrol catches them.

- They end at the meeting place where BadGuy is waiting for them.

- Scorpio is pissed at Dom for breaking rank.

- Dom is pissed about Letty.

- Scorpio is all “Letty? I don’t even remember her face.”

- Then the cigarette lighter in Dom’s car pops up and blows up Dom’s car (because he let it fill with NOS).

- Gunfire breaks out.

- Dom gets hit.

- Paul Walker shoots people.

- Paul Walker gets into the Hummer full of cocaine and gets Dom to join him.

- They drive until they make it back to the city and park under a bridge.

- Paul Walker calls the FBI and briefs them.

- The FBI is all “Um, you’ve got a fugitive with you. How about you turn him in?” and Paul Walker is all “No.”

- They need somewhere safe to store the cocaine, so Paul Walker and Dom stash it in the police impound.

- Paul Walker then tells Dom “Hey, you blew up my car back there. Now you owe me a 10-second car.” Dom breaks the window of a car and says “Here ya go.”

- They order Chinese food at Dom’s new hiding place and Paul Walker calls Jordana Brewster to come stich up a bleeding Dom.

- Grace is said and they’re all catching up.

- Dom goes off by himself and is going through Letty’s old stuff and finds her cell phone. Dom dials the last phone number and he hears a ringing…

- Paul Walker answers his cell phone even though the caller ID says “Letty” and he realizes THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE

- Paul Walker and Dom get into a fist fight (which can’t be good for Dom’s new stitches)

- Paul Walker just keeps yelling “SHE DID IT FOR YOU, DOM” and yells "I'M SORRY, DOM" and kicks some things.

- It turns out Letty made a deal with the FBI that she would go do this if she and Dom could come home without fear of prison.

- Things calm down and they come up with a plan to make everyone happy.

- They schedule a hand off of the drugs with Henchman1 as long as BadGuy is there.

- The FBI surrounds the place and is ready to move once they receive confirmation from Paul Walker that BadGuy is there.

- In the meantime, an FBI agent is still checking the fingerprints on the glasses from when Henchman1 and BadGuy had drinks.

- The handoff is going smoothly and BadGuy comes forward. The FBI decides to move in on BadGuy without receiving the ok from Paul Walker which is the wrong decision because…

- HENCHMAN1 IS REALLY BADGUY

- Mind. Blown. Right?

- Hell breaks out and Scorpio and Henchman1/BadGuy (heretofore referred to as just “BadGuy”) almost run over TallGirl, but Dom saves her.

- Dom and Paul Walker drive away again.

- ISH JUST GOT REAL.

Fast and Furious (It’s number 4, but they didn’t use a number. Rebels.) Part 1

- Dom and Letty are back to their stealing ways, but this time they’re stealing oil tankers. Not the cabs, just the cargo. They learned their lesson in The Fast and The Furious. Unfortunately, they’re now doing it at high speeds in the mountains of Mexico. It involves using liquid nitrogen to break the connectors between the tanks of oil while going down a mountain in Mexico while also trying to connect the tank to another car driving backwards. Totally safe.

- It’s not actually safe because truck drivers are catching on again (duh.).

- The truck driver they’re stealing from today (who I think drives around with his pet iguana) sees Dom driving next to the truck and starts swerving.

- Letty, who is doing the liquid nitrogen-ing, drops her hammer.

- The other crew members are able to get away, but Letty is now stuck on a swerving truck.

- The truck starts careening out of control.

- Letty manages to jump into Dom’s car before the truck driver completely abandons his truck (clutching his iguana, of course).

- But now they’re at a dead end and this flipping oil tanker truck is coming at Dom’s car.

- Letty is freaking, but Dom is all “I got this.”

- Dom’s got this and he manages to time it so the flaming tanker truck flips right over them.

- So Dom, Letty, and their crew go party and celebrate.

- This is when you realize that yeah, the guy driving one of the trucks earlier who you thought was Han, but there’s no way Han could be driving the truck because you just saw Han die in “Tokyo Drift” actually was Han—they just put them in the wrong order. This is why I told you you don’t actually need to know anything about “Tokyo Drift.”

- Dom tells the crew that the police are catching on and are going to be putting in some extra effort to chase the crew down, so he hands them their earnings and tell them to head off into the sunset.

- Dom and Han have a one-on-one and Han says “I’m thinking of heading to Tokyo. I hear they’re doing some crazy stuff there.” This is where any true Fast & Furious Franchise fan squeals with delight.

- Then Dom and Letty have a one-on-one. He’s all “If they find you with me, they’ll punish you even more than if they find you alone.” And she’s all “We’ll make it work, Dom, we always do.” (But she says it in this super weird awkward way and makes this weird face. It’s such an awkward scene.)

- They go to sleep, but Dom slips out in the night leaving Letty a stack of cash and his favorite diamond cross.

- Time passes (I forget how they signify this).

- Dom gets a phone call on a payphone in whatever country he’s hiding in. It’s Jordana Brewster. He yells at her for calling him. She tells him Letty died.

- Now we’re back in California and Paul Walker is chasing a bad guy.

- Then we see Paul Walker PARKOUR!

- Paul Walker catches the bad guy while destroying someone’s farmer’s market stand and brings him into FBI headquarters.

- Yeah, Paul Walker is now an FBI agent.

- There’s another BadGuy [UPDATE: BadGuy's name is Braga] who is using street racers to smuggle cocaine across the US/Mexico border and the FBI is on his case, but they don’t know what BadGuy looks like. The guy Paul Walker just caught with PARKOUR gave them a lead.

- Unfortunately, Letty was one of those street racers and she died in the process.

- Paul Walker goes to Letty’s funeral and asks Jordana Brewster out for coffee after

- Paul Walker tells Jodana Brewster to stay away from Dom and to tell Dom to stay away.

- Jordana Brewster goes home and finds Dom in her garage.

- They talk and Jordana Brewster tells Dom to be careful.

- Dom goes to where Letty died and smells the NOS or something. Apparently there’s only one person who installs it anymore.

- IT’S SCRUFFY! Scruffy installed it. Scruffy isn’t excited to see Dom. Dom threatens to crush Scruffy with an engine block if Scruffy doesn’t talk. Scruffy talks.

- Paul Walker’s lead pans out and he goes to talk to the guy. Dom gets there first and Paul Walker finds Dom hanging the guy out the window.

- Some words were had. The guy talks. Dom escapes.

- Paul Walker brings the guy to the FBI and now it’s decided Paul Walker should go undercover as a street racer again (BECAUSE THAT WORKED SO WELL THE FIRST TIME)

- The FBI gives Paul Walker yet another car (well, he gets a bunch from impound and combines them into one awesome NOS-filled car) and Paul Walker goes and tries out to be one of the BadGuy’s street racers.

- Paul Walker goes to this awesome multi-story driving range (as in golf, not cars) in the middle of the city where BadGuy’s staff are finding new street racers. (We’ll call them “Henchman1,” “Tall Girl,” and “Scorpio”)

- Uh oh, Dom’s there too.

- Henchman1 tells them they have to race to see who the final member of the team will be. We meet one of the other people and he’s totally weird. We’ll call him “Country.”

- Henchman1 tells them the team will be involved in moving some materials from point A to point B for him and Dom is all “What are we moving?” and Scorpio is all “None of your business. A driver doesn’t have to know what he’s driving.” And Dom is all “Don’t be a jerk.” Henchman1 tells them to calm down.

- TallGirl takes everyone’s driver’s license and hands them a GPS unit which will tell them the route and destination.

- LET’S RACE.

- They race. The roads aren’t closed, so they have to drive through regular traffic. Paul Walker ends up off track and has to drive down a huge embankment. He apologizes to his car before doing it, which I think is very considerate of him.

- Paul Walker is winning, but then Dom cheats. Paul Walker is angry because now he isn’t on the team. Dom gloats.

- Country makes fun of Paul Walker’s car. BIG MISTAKE.

- Everyone goes home.

- The next day, the FBI break into Country’s home where he’s making foot fetish videos and dressed like KidRock. Paul Walker plants drugs on him. The FBI is all “that’s not going to stick” and Paul Walker is all “It’s not supposed to.”

- Paul Walker is now on the BadGuy’s racing/transport team.

- Henchman1 invites the team to hang out at his dance club/bar (B.T.Dubs, what’s with all the bad guys owning clubs/bars?)

- Dom tells Henchman1 that Paul Walker used to date his sister. Henchman1 tells Paul Walker he’s lucky to be alive.

- Paul Walker goes off and follows Henchman1 who goes to talk to BadGuy. We can’t see BadGuy, but we see the two of them sharing a drink. Paul Walker takes their glasses back to the FBI.

- Dom is sneaking off on his own to go check out the cars. TallGirl finds him and hits on him. Dom is all, I like a girl who is part angel and part devil. TallGirl is all “That sounds nothing like me” and Dom is all “It wasn’t.”

- Dom finds the car of the person who caused Letty to crash—turns out it was that jerk Scorpio.

- Everyone goes home.

- GAME TIME.

The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift (they didn't number it, but it's number 3)

- It's actually supposed to be after Fast 6
- Lil' Bowwow is in it and drives a car decorated like The Hulk.
- It takes place in Japan.


What happens:
- There’s this guy, I don’t remember his real name or character name, so we’ll call him “Kentucky” ‘cause he has a little twang when he speaks. (If you saw “42” he’s the guy who plays Pee-Wee Reese.) He drives an old car and is clearly a trouble maker because people look at him or something.

- He’s in some sort of pissing match with Zachary Ty Bryant (the oldest kid from “Home Improvement”) who is a football player (I’m guessing quarterback) over either a parking space or a girl. (apparently neither the parking space or the girl has a say in the matter)

- Oh wait, now she says they should prove who is best with their cars.

- So they go to this new-home construction site and race their cars—Kentucky with his old car vs. Zachary Ty Bryant and the girl with his Corvette (I went on a date with a guy named Zach who drove a Corvette—his was an automatic transmission.)

- They race.

- Zachary Ty Bryant cheats.

- Kentucky drives through one of the homes. (It’s all very “Stick It”)

- Everyone crashes.

- I don’t think anyone dies, but the police get involved.

- Zachary Ty Bryant’s parents pay off the damages (or they own the construction site, doesn’t really matter.) but Kentucky either has to go to prison or move to Japan and live with his dad.

- Kentucky moves to Japan.

- Kentucky fights with has dad due to feelings of abandonment.

- Kentucky befriends Lil’ Bow-Wow who, like I mentioned before, drives a car decorated so it looks like The Hulk is smashing through it.

- I forget exactly how, but Kentucky ends up helping Lil’ Bow-Wow sell goods purchased from America out of his backpack or something. Whatever. Doesn’t matter.

- I think he ends up having a crush on this girl who is either Vanessa Minnillo or someone who looks like Vanessa Minnillo, so we’ll just call her “Vanessa.” This causes problems with BadDude who does something bad, but I can’t remember. It’s either selling drugs, fake money, or guns. Doesn’t really matter.

- Kentucky goes with Bow-Wow to a car race in a parking garage and that’s when Kentucky’s mind gets blown.

- They don’t just street race in Japan… THEY DRIFT.

- It’s also where Kentucky meets the Dom of this movie… but it isn’t Dom, it’s Han. (This is the first time we’re meeting Han, so that’s why you haven’t read about Han yet.)

- I think Kentucky get challenged to a drifting race by BadDude and I think Han lets Kentucky use his car to drift.

- Kentucky loses and damages Han’s car.

- That’s fine, ‘cause Kentucky now has to work at Han’s garage.

- So I don’t remember what happens in the next chunk, but the gist is: Kentucky helps fix cars. Bow-Wow sells things. BadDude does bad things. Vanessa flirts with Kentucky. Han watches this all go down.

- BadDude eventually challenges Kentucky to another drift, but on this curvy mountain instead of the garage. Kentucky is all “Sounds good, ya’ll.”

- Han teaches Kentucky how to race.

- Han drifts through downtown Tokyo with Kentucky to show him how to use it to flirt.

- I think they all go to BadDude’s club or something in separate cars. They see BadDude do bad things. Kentucky takes Vanessa away. BadDude follows.

- BadDude makes Han crash.

- Han dies.

- BadDude follows Kentucky and Vanessa home.

- BadDude pulls gun on Kentucky and tells Vanessa to get in the car.

- Vanessa refuses.

- BadDude ANGRY.

- Kentucky’s dad pulls a shotgun on BadDude.

- Vanessa gets in the car and BadDude drives away.

- Kentucky tells his dad what’s going on.

- His dad gives Kentucky a car he has been hiding this entire time.

- RACEDAY

- Kentucky races BadDude on the curvy mountain while Bow-Wow and Vanessa cheer him on.

- It’s close. BadDude probably cheats (I can’t remember, but he’s a bad guy so it probably happens)

- Kentucky manages to win. I think BadDude might flip his car?

- So Kentucky now has the car, respect, and the lady.

- Kentucky is the new Han.

- A while later they’re back at the parking garage where Kentucky lost his first drifting race and Bow-Wow tells Kentucky someone there wants to race.

- Kentucky says “Not tonight, ya’ll.”

- Bow-Wow says “It’s an old friend of Han’s”

- Kentucky is all “I’m moved, ya’ll. Let’s do this, ya’ll.”

- Kentucky pulls up to the starting line.

- The challenger pulls up to the starting line.

- IT’S DOM, YA’LL.

- THE END.

2 Fast 2 Furious (it’s the second one, so they added the number 2) Part 2

- GO TIME.

- Paul Walker and Tyrese pick up the henchmen and they drive to a mobile home that’s being watched by the local police. The local police officer tells his people to wait to move. The henchmen tear down a wall in the mobile home and take out sick wads of cash which they put into bags and place in the back of the cars.

- The local police move on the mobile home, but they escape.

- Paul Walker and Tyrese lead the DEA and local cops on a chase

- Paul Walker and Tyrese drive into this old abandoned warehouse they scoped out earlier and the building is surrounded by police. Then the warehouse garage doors open and these massive pick-up trucks with push grills drive out and start pushing the police cars out of the way.

- More garage doors open and IT’S A SCRAMBLE! All these street racing cars pour out of the building into one big mess and then drive off all at the same time. All the cops are confused, but the FBI is in a helicopter and GPSing Paul Walker and Tyrese so they’re on their tail.

- But then we find out the cars they’re following are actually being driven by Luda and PinkCar- duhn duhn DUUUHHHHHHH

- Paul Walker, Tyrese, and the henchmen are in the new cars they won and fixed up now and driving towards the air strip.

- As they’re getting closer, Tyrese ejects his henchman using the new ejection seat Luda and PinkCar installed using some leftover NOS (I’m 98% sure the Fast and Furious franchise is just a big ad campaign for NOS).

- The DEA gets impatient and moves in on the airstrip, but BadGuy isn’t there!

- Paul Walker is about to eject his henchman, too (even though the henchman was super nice and complimented Paul Walker’s driving quite a bit), but the henchman tells him to go to the harbor instead of the airstrip. Paul Walker realizes they’ve been had!

- Paul Walker and his henchman roll into the harbor and BadGuy asks where Tyrese is and Paul Walker is all “He’s on his way.”

- BadGuy asks Paul Walker why BadGuy’s airstrip was just busted by the DEA. Paul Walker is all: “I don’t know, brah.” BadGuy is all “Well, I only told one person about the airstrip.”

- SPOILER ALERT: he told Eva Mendes.

- BadGuy is all “DEA agents are getting so pretty.” Instead of fighting, Eva Mendes is all meek and just goes with him. (This is probably the thing that makes me the angriest about all the Fast and Furious movies. Instead of being a hard-ass DEA agent who can clearly handle herself after being undercover for a year, she meekly does what she’s told and expects Paul Walker to save her. Bull. Shit.)

- So they get on a boat.

- I can’t totally remember what happens at this point. They probably drove a car onto the boat, because that’s what happens in movies. All you need to know is that Paul Walker and Tyrese save Eva Mendes.

- The trio meet up with the FBI and I think they turn in the BadGuy (They either turned him in or he’s dead. I can’t remember, but it doesn’t matter anyway.). They also turn in the money.

- Paul Walker and Tyrese have a bonding moment and they’re all “I love you, bro.” Then they reveal to each other that they both kept some of the cash (I think maybe in their pants?) and then they decide to buy a garage together. I can’t imagine Luda is going to be happy with this decision.

- THE END.

2 Fast 2 Furious (it’s the second one, so they added the number 2) Part 1

- There’s a street race about to happen between three people. The good looking guy is all “You’re a chick, you can’t race.” And she’s all “Yeah I can. Let’s take this to the streets.” (We’ll call her “PinkCar” ‘cause I can’t remember her name.).

- Well, I don’t know if you know this about street racing, but apparently you can only do it with four people. Fortunately, the Ref. for the street race, Ludacris (seriously. It’s Luda.) offers to find them a 4th. They say yes instead of turning around and asking one of the people in the huge crowd of fast cars if they wanted to race.

- Luda calls Paul Walker. Paul Walker is down to RACE!

- Paul Walker wins, but the police are coming so they scatter.

- Paul Walker evades them until the police use this spider gun which scrambles the electrical stuff on the car and shuts it down.

- The police arrest him and bring him in.

- Paul Walker isn’t undercover again, it turns out he got kicked off the police force for aiding and abetting Dom’s escape in the first movie. That ish is illegal, yo.

- The DEA and FBI are trying to bust a drug dealer, but are having trouble. Fortunately, the person they have undercover, Eva Mendes, told them the drug dealer needs fast drivers. So the FBI immediately thought of good old reliable Paul Walker.

- This time, Paul Walker will have a DEA buddy to help. Paul Walker is all “Hell no.” and gives the buddy a pop-quiz about cars. He failed. Paul Walker is all “Fine, I’ll do it, but not with this shmo. I get to pick the guy.”

- So Paul Walker and the FBI guy (who is the same FBI guy from The Fast and The Furious) go to this car rodeo event where people in cars smash other people in cars and the last car functioning wins or something. Doesn’t matter.

- What does matter is that it turns out the winner of the car rodeo is a childhood friend that Paul Walker used to street race and boost cars with. It also turns out that person is a very hot Tyrese.

- Tyrese is not happy to see Paul Walker.

- Paul Walker turns to the FBI guy and is all “Whatever happens, just let it go, brah.”

- Paul Walker calls Tyrese “Rom” and Tyrese is all “Only friends call me ‘Rom’ and definitely not cops.”

- Paul Walker is all “I’m not a cop, brah.” And the FBI guy confirms it.

- Tyrese then punches Paul Walker and they wrestle in the dirt.

- Eventually they come to a ceasefire and we find out that Tyrese spent 3 years in prison and thought Paul Walker should have helped him, but Paul Walker insists he couldn’t have.

- Tyrese is on house arrest, but lives in an RV so he just parks really close to wherever he’s car rodeoing.

- Paul Walker and the FBI guy tell Tyrese if he helps them, he won’t be on probation or house arrest any more.

- Tyrese says ok.

- The DEA and FBI give Tyrese and Paul Walker each a car. Eva Mendes is there and briefs them on the situation: she’s coordinating the search for racers for the bad guy. She’s also sleeping with the bad guy.

- She rides with Paul Walker who then drives while staring at her. Apparently Tyrese taught him that (no, really. That’s what Tyrese says.)

- Paul Walker and Tyrese then take a driving test with some other racers. They’re winning until the cops show up ‘cause they put some GPS trackers on the cars. Tyrese shoots at the cops and then they all get away.

- Paul Walker and Tyrese win and they’re now the go-to drivers for the BadGuy.

- They’re angry they’re being GPS’d, so they race some guys for pink slips. Paul Walker and Tyrese win (there may have been some cheating on both sides.).

- So they take their new cars to Luda’s garage and Luda and PinkGirl help Paul Walker and Tyrese improve their new cars. It, of course, includes some NOS.

- BadGuy invites Paul Walker and Tyrese to his dance club. (It is the ugliest club I have ever seen in my entire life. Did I mention this movie takes place in Miami? The first movie was in California, but this one is definitely in Florida. The seats are these insanely weird seashell chairs. I couldn’t find a photo of them in a quick google. You should probably see this movie just so you can see this ugly dance club. No offense, Set Director.)

- Paul Walker and Eva Mendes touch each other in weird ways (she plays with his bracelet or something) while Tyrese is prowling.

- BadGuy sees Paul Walker and Eva Mendes weird touching. They all sit down in more weird chairs for a second before they proceed to the back room.

- In the backroom they torture a local police officer. I won’t go into details ‘cause I find it horribly disturbing. All you need to know is that they’re using it to convince the police officer to give the BadGuy’s team a window of opportunity to move some bags. It works. They all go home.

- Eva Mendes shows up on Paul Walker and Tyrese’s house boat where they’re apparently living and tells them BadGuy is planning the drop-off point to be an air strip and that he’s going to have his henchmen (who will be riding with Tyrese and Paul Walker) kill them when they get there.

- The henchmen show up at the houseboat at that moment and come aboard. Eva Mendes manages to escape through the bathroom skylight. There’s some punching. Some guns. Paul Walker yells “PUT THE GUN DOWN, BRAH” a bunch of times. BadGuy reveals himself and is all “we’re all fine. Let’s all calm down.” (If BadGuy was watching this entire time, how did he not see Eva Mendes climb out of the skylight? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.)

- BadGuy and his henchmen leave.

- GO TIME.

The Fast and The Furious (There’s no number ‘cause it’s the first one.) Part 2

- RACEWARS

- They go to the desert and race some cars. Some guy is all “You’re a chick, you can’t race” to Lettie and Lettie is all “Put your money where your mouth is, brah.” And she pushes her sunglasses up on her nose and kicks his butt in the race.

- Techie is up and he’s racing a member of the CrotchRocket Gang (who’s now in a car) for pink slips even though the car Techie is driving is actually his dad’s car. Paul Walker is all “NO TECHIE. DON’T DO THIS. THEY HAVE FANCY ENGINES!” and Techie is all “I got this.”

- Techie don’t got this. He loses and instead of stopping and handing over the pink slip he just keeps driving.

- Night falls and there’s lots of music and gyrating in little clothing.

- Paul Walker sees Dom, Scruffy, and Lettie uncovering some cars he hasn’t seen before (Paul Walker isn’t the most observant cop). Those cars are the same kinds of cars used in the truckjackings. Jordana Brewster is begging Dom to not go. Dom goes.

- Paul Walker finds Jordana Brewster and is all “Where are they going, Mia?” (I think Mia is her name?) and Jordana Brewster is all “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” And Paul Walker is all “I’M A COP AND THEY’RE GOING TO DIE.” So she gets in the car with Paul Walker and they drive off.

- Dom, Lettie, and Scruffy (and maybe someone else? I can’t totally remember. The other person isn’t important.) go and start their truckjacking magic. They start by shooting this wire into the cab of the truck so Scruffy can climb into it.

- Well, the truck driver doesn’t like this so as Scruffy is climbing in, the truck driver shoots him with his shotgun.

- Now Scruffy is hanging off the side of a speeding truck, bleeding and with his arm wrapped around the wire. Dom and Lettie try to help him, but they don’t got this either.

- In comes Paul Walker who climbs out of the car while Jordana Brewster climbs over to the driver seat (all while speeding next to a truck, of course). He hops up on the truck and manages to get Scruffy free and back onto Jordana Brewster or Dom’s car (I can’t remember).

- So finally everyone is free from the truck and the truck drives off.

- I think Lettie might have crashed her car but she’s ok now?

- Scruffy isn’t looking good, so Paul Walker calls a helicopter to come transport Scruffy to the hospital. He has to use his cop code, so Dom hears and isn’t happy.

- Dom drives off and Paul Walker follows him in his car.

- Dom and Paul Walker end up at Dom’s house and are pointing guns at each other just as Techie drives up and is all “I’m so sorry Dom. I don’t know what to do. My old man is going to kill me.”

- His old man isn’t going to get a chance because the CrotchRocket Gang do a drive-by on their bikes and kill Techie. (This made me really sad.)

- Paul Walker gets in his car and chases after the CrotchRocket Gang. Dom joins in the case. They manage to either shoot or cause all the CrotchRocket Gang members to crash.

- Now it’s just Paul Walker and Dom. They’re on a straight road so they’re all “Let’s race.”

- They race.

- There’s a train crossing and a train is definitely coming.

- They don’t stop.

- They drive across the train tracks breaking the gates that are CLEARLY down (don’t do this.).

- They make it.

- There’s a truck.

- Dom doesn’t see it.

- The truck hits Dom.

- Dom flips.

- Dom dislocates his shoulder, but is ok.

- Paul Walker is all “I still owe you a 10-second car” and hands Dom the keys to Paul Walker’s still (surprisingly) functioning car.

- THE END.

The Fast and The Furious (There’s no number ‘cause it’s the first one.) Part 1

- There have been a string of car(truck?)jackings being pulled off by a sick street racing crew. Lots of DVD players are being stolen and this is bad. The FBI sends Brian/Paul Walker undercover because he’s a cop and used to steal cars in Tucson, AZ so he’s all “I like fast cars, bro.”

- Paul Walker starts working at a garage/car parts place because that’s where people with fast cars buy the things that make them fast and shiny.

- He gets tuna/chicken salad for lunch at the same place all the time. It just so happens to be run by Dom/Vin Diesel, Dom’s ladyfriend (Lettie/Michelle Rodriguez), and Dom’s sister (Jordana Brewster… I can’t remember the character’s name… doesn’t matter).

- Paul Walker somehow finds out about a street race happening one night and shows up. He decides he’s going to race Dom, some other person, and Ja Rule (seriously.).

- Then someone is all “Let’s race for pink slips”… this is car-talk for “whomever wins gets to keep the losers’ car.”

- Paul Walker is all “Sounds good, brah.”

- So they race and Paul Walker is seriously losing, but then he’s all “NOS to the rescue!” NOS is Nitrous Oxide which helps cars go fast.

- Paul Walker’s car starts losing parts, but he pulls ahead of the other person, Ja Rule, and then Dom.

- Dom is all HEEEEELLLLLZ NO and uses his NOS to beat Paul Walker.

- Paul Walker pulls up with his smoking car and is all “Dude, I almost had you!” while Dom was all “Brah, you never had me. You never had your car.”

- Then the cops show up and one thing leads to another soon Paul Walker is rescuing Dom from the cops. (Did I mention Dom did time in prison for almost beating a man to death with a wrench? No? Well he did. And he’s vowed to never go back.)

- Then the leader of a CrotchRocket gang make Paul Walker pull over. They’re all “something something we’re going to beat you at RaceWars.” Now this isn’t commentary on the diversity in the community or the constant battle between certain populations, he just means they’re going to be racing cars in 1-on-1 battles in a desert where the winner will win the war.

- Then the CrotchRocket gang shoots up Paul Walker’s FBI-provided car and drive away from the flaming car.

- Paul Walker and Dom are all “OH SHIT THE NOS!” and run away to catch a cab before the car explodes

- So they take the cab to Dom’s house where his crew are already having a party. This guy, we’ll call him “Scruffy,” who hates Paul Walker because Jordana Brewster likes Paul Walker’s golden locks, blue eyes, and Cool Water covered body instead of Scruffy, is all “Who brought the Bustah?” (Paul Walker is “the Bustah”) And Dom was all “The Bustah brought ME!” and takes Scruffy’s Carona (the drink of choice for these street racers) and hands it to Paul Walker who wipes off the mouth of the bottle and takes a swig.

- Now they’re BFFs, even though Paul Walker still owes Dom a 10-second car since Paul Walker’s car that he owed to Dom for losing was blown up by the guns and NOS.

- The FBI (who’s worried about Paul Walker) gives Paul Walker another car and Paul Walker gives it to Dom.

- Then there’s a whole bunch of car fixing scenes with a computer that has a hard disk drive being run by a guy (we’ll call him “Techie”) that helps them choose the color of the car and other stuff.

- Dom finally tells Paul Walker that Paul Walker is going to race in RaceWars.

- Paul Walker then thinks it’s a good idea to sneak into the garages of different street racers to see if the tires match the ones used in the truckjackings (remember those?), but Scruffy and Dom find him and hold a shotgun to his head. Scruffy is all “HE’S A COP MAN” and Dom is all “Are you a cop, [Paul Walker]?” and Paul Walker is all “Nah, Brah.” And Dom is all “What’s this about then?” and Paul Walker is all “RACEWARS, MAN!” So Dom is all “Come with me if you want to live”—sorry, wrong movie, but he does ask Paul Walker to follow him.

- They sneak into the CrotchRocket Gang’s garage to peek under their sheets (Seriously, everything was covered with sheets.). Paul Walker finds the right tires, the right cars, and the DVD players, but then the Gang gets back. Paul Walker, Dom, and Scruffy are able to hide and escape.

- The FBI is all: “Should we move on the CrotchRocket Gang?” and Paul Walker is all: “Not yet, man.” So they don’t.

- More car stuff. Scruffy and Paul Walker butt heads, some Grace gets said, and Paul Walker ends up going on a date with Jordana Brewster.

- While they’re asleep in bed together (they totes had sex), the FBI calls and is all “Hey, [Paul Walker], another truck was stolen… say ‘yes’ if you think we should move in on the CrotchRocket Gang.” And Paul Walker says “yes.” You would think they would move in immediately, but then they show Paul Walker helping them bust the Gang the next day. I guess that phone call could have waited.

- Turns out the CrotchRocket Gang had receipts for those DVD players.

- RACEWARS