- So, we open Fast5 just before Fast and Furious ends
- We’re seeing Dom being transported on a prison bus.
- All of a sudden Dom hears cars.
- They sound like fast cars.
- They sound like furious cars.
- Awwwwwww hell. It’s Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster and THEY’RE FAST AND FURIOUS!
- Dom smiles.
- Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster do their thing and then the prison bus totally flips over, goes flying, and lands upside down.
- We see all the press coverage and one of them is TOTALLY the reporter from Parks and Rec who always states the obvious.
- We don’t see any of the prisoners, but I guess we’re supposed to believe that no one has died in the crash and Dom has walked away without injuries. (totally believable)
- And now Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster are in BBBBRRRRRRAAAAZZZZZIL!
- Oh man, they’re low on funds.
- Fortunately they know someone they can stay with in Brazil…
- IT’S SCRUFFY! (SEE: The Fast and The Furious)
- Scruffy is NOT happy to see Paul Walker, but fortunately he has a Lady Friend and had a kid so he’s calmed down a bit.
- Dom is still nowhere to be found. No one has heard from him since Ecuador.
- Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster need a job and Scruffy has a job lined up but needs more drivers.
- Paul Walker and Jordana agree to join the job, obvi.
- As the ladies are bonding, Jordana Brewster excuses herself and it’s clear she just threw up a little
- Lady Friend is all “Does he know?”
- And Jordana Brewester is all “No.”
- And we’re all “Oooooohhhhh man, Jordana Brewster is knocked up!”
- So now Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster are on a train sitting and talking about all the different places that don’t have extradition agreements with the US, but now it’s Go Time.
- They do a little nudge and pick pocket to snag a key card from the train conductor and start searching the train.
- They find what they’re looking for, fast cars (‘cause duh), and report their location in the train
- All of a sudden the side of the train car is being cut open with some sort of flame torch.
- When the side panel falls away, Scruffy steps into the train from a truck driving alongside the train and is all “Look who I found”
- IT’S DOM! He found Dom, ya’ll!
- Hugs are given and then they get back down to business.
- Oh man, turns out the cars were seized by the DEA and are on their way back to the US.
- The Scruffy hops into the first car, they hook it up to some pulley things on the truck driving alongside the train, the car gets pulled onto the truck, and then the car reverses down the ramp on the back of the truck and Scruffy drives away.
- One of the bad guys, let’s call him, I don’t know, Piercing... I can’t remember if he has a piercing or if he just had a piercing stare. Meh. Doesn’t matter.
- Anyway, Piercing seems super interested in one specific car and Dom is all “Ladies first” and makes Piercing let Jordana Brewster take the car.
- Dom bends down to Jordana Brewster right before they move the car onto the truck and is all “Change of plans. Go to the meeting place and wait for my call.”
- She drives away in apparently the wrong direction and Piercing is all “Where is she going?!”
- People start fighting and then the DEA agents just happen to look out the train window and see the truck driving alongside the train.
- Paul Walker hops on the truck to try to beat up those guys to make sure it doesn’t follow Jordana Brewster.
- The DEA agents crash the fight club that’s happening between Paul Walker, Scruffy, Dom, Piercing, and Piercing’s friends.
- Awwww man, Piercing and his friends kill some of the DEA agents.
- Somehow the truck dislodges or something and Paul Walker is barely hanging on.
- Oh man, there’s a bridge and it’s going to definitely end poorly.
- Dom escapes Piercing and gets into a convertible, drives it off the truck, it has a gnarly landing, but still somehow is totally ok to drive.
- Paul Walker hops into the convertible, but then the convertible totally drives off the side of a cliff and into a river. (You may recognize the stunt from Vin Diesel’s XXX days, but this time he didn’t use a parachute, so I guess that makes it more impressive.)
- Paul Walker and Dom are hanging out in the river chatting and then cars full of Piercing and his friends pull up with their guns.
- So, now, Dom and Paul Walker are prisoners in some sort of barn or warehouse or something and we meet Fancy Pants, Piercing’s boss.
- Blah blah blah where is my car? Blah blah blah. Fancy Pants is all “Kill them” or something and leaves
- Paul Walker and Dom are both hanging from hooks or something hooked onto their bound wrists. Fancy Pants’ staff is all “Let’s do some damage.”
- Paul Walker is all let me kick you in the face first, so he does.
- Then Dom literally just pulls his cuffs apart. Like, splits them in two. Supposedly real metal handcuffs. Just pulls his arms apart and the cuffs break.
- They beat everyone up and escape.
- Dom and Paul Walker meet up with Jordana Brewster who has the car and heard that the three of them are wanted for killing the DEA agents. This isn’t good.
- Dun-dun-daaaaahhhh IT’S THE ROCK
- Turns out he’s a US Marshall and his big guns—I’m talking about his MASSIVE biceps—are in BBBRAAAZZZIIIILLL to hunt down Dom and Paul Walker.
- One of his staffers is the guy who plays David from Numb3rs (if you haven’t watched Numb3rs, you’re absolutely missing a genuinely amazing TV show)
- The Rock is all “I need you to get out of my way and I need this lady cop to translate for me.” And the Brazil cop liaison was all but we have a translator already, why this lady? And The Rock was all “’Cause I like her smile.”
- So Dom, Paul Walker, and Jordana Brewster are trying to figure out why Piercing and Fancy Pants want the car when Scruffy walks in.
- Paul Walker is all “YOU KNEW THEY WERE DEA AGENTS” and Scruffy was all “I DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE DEA AGENTS” and Dom was all “Play it cool, boys. Real cool.” So they do.
- Then we see The Rock meeting his new translator who was all “Why did you hire me? My smile isn’t that great.” And The Rock is all “Listen, I know your husband was an officer and he was murdered by the bad people and then you joined the police too. I know you can’t be bought.” Let’s call her Smiles.
- The Rock is briefing Smiles, David, and the rest of his team about how they’re going to go after Dom, Paul Walker, and Jordana Brewster. He’s all: These are bad people. Let’s get them. “WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T EVER EVER LET THEM GET IN THEIR CARS [BECAUSE THEY’RE FAST AND THEY’RE FURIOUS]”
- Then we see Scruffy sneaking around the warehouse where Paul Walker, Dom, and Jordana Brewster had been working on the car. He takes a memory card from the car’s computer.
- Dom is all “I wish I hadn’t seen you do that.” And they kick Scruffy out.
- Paul Walker looks at the memory card and they realize it’s a list of all Fancy Pants’ money transactions/money laundering.
- Just as they’re finishing up, they hear something. Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster manage to escape just as Piercing and his crew crash into their warehouse shooting up the place.
- Some go chasing after them while Dom storms out of his hiding place and kills a bunch of them.
- The Rock and his crew are in the neighborhood and hear the shooting, so they go after them. He tells Smiles to stay put.
- Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster are running and jumping between roofs and being chased by some of Piercing’s people. They run and jump onto a roof and it collapses. Piercing’s guys don’t even check and are all “Oh, they must be dead. Let’s stop chasing them now.” Which is dumb, because Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster aren’t even injured.
- Meanwhile, The Rock starts chasing after Dom over/through some other nearby homes.
- At one point, The Rock literally BREAKS THROUGH A BRICK WALL to chase Dom.
- Smiles spots Dom and manages to get the jump on him. She calls in that she has Dom, but then Piercing and some of his people are nearby and start shooting at them.
- Dom shoves her against the wall and protects her. THERE IS MAJOR SEXUAL TENSION.
- David and some of The Rock’s other crew come on by and kill all of Piercing’s guys, but Piercing manages to escape.
- Dom takes advantage of the distraction and escapes, but somehow manages to leave his diamond cross necklace behind even though it isn’t broken? Did he take it off? Did he do a downward facing dog and it fell off? It’s really unclear. [SEE PREVIOUS HISTORY OF NECKLACE]
- So Paul Walker, Dom, and Jordana Brewster regroup and Dom is all “Let’s separate” and Jordana Brewster is all “Ya’ll, I’m pregnant.” And so they hug it out and decide to stay together.
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